i'm stressed.  i hate my fucking life. and i hate hate HATE him.  i hate the way he makes me feel.  i hate that i feel obligated to hang out with him.  i fucking hate it.  i wish i could just tell him to go fuck himself.  i don't want to deal with this shit anymore.  he makes me sick.  he's dirty and disgusting and doesn't shower and he fucking makes me sick.  and i fucking hate myself for not being able to hell him to leave me the hell alone.

i can't sleep.  i'm cold and tired and ready to change something.  i dunno.  i don't ever feel like i have a real grip on anything.  i was on such a high when i came back from san francisco.  that's slowly starting to wear out, and i'm starting to feel down again.  i'm also falling in love.  he's beautiful and moody and passionate.  but he's also really closed up.  sometimes it takes so much for me to resist the urge to freeze him out.  sometimes that's all i feel like i can do.  but then i take a breath and remember that being cold to him is probably the reason why he is the way he is.  i just wish there was some way i could tell him i'm all in.  i'm all fucking in.  all i want is to give him my heart, and as far as i'm concerned, he already has it.  we were sitting in the car on the way back from the movies a few weeks ago and that three days grace song came on 'over and over'.  and when the bit in the chorus came on, 'over and over i fall for you, over and over i try not to, over and over you make me fall for you, over and over you don't even try to', he looked at me as he sang along.  see, the trouble is, sometimes i feel like that is the closest i'll ever come to hearing what i want to hear from him.  it's late and i'm freezing my ass off.  i know he's stressed, i know he goes through phases where he doesn't feel like talking to anyone, i know this is still fairly new, i know he's busy, and i know he's trying.  i just miss the way he used to talk to me.  i miss feeling like he was ready to fall in love with me.  i miss feeling wanted.  i hope he'll get out of this quiet phase soon.  i really fucking miss him.  one of the best things he told me was 'you make my heart ache'.  that was about two months ago.  i have no idea if he still feels that way about me.  but my heart aches for him all the time. 
(derek hess - www.derekhess.com)

i've been so happy these last five weeks.  my heart has been so full and content.  i've actually been feeling human.  i missed that. 

even so, everything, every time i'm happy or sad or broken hearted, it brings me back to you.  maybe it's because when we talked, it felt like everything else in the world melted away.  maybe it's because we found each other at the right time, and the connection we shared could only exist in that small pocket of time, and that during all the time before and after it, what we had doesn't exist.  maybe it's because we never met in person so we couldn't fuck it up.  i told you everything i was feeling, you told me everything you were feeling, we wished so hard for each other to become real, to feel each other and touch each other and melt away in each other's arms at night when the fear and the lonliness and the darkness were the worst.  and now, every time something doesn't work out with someone, every time i'm hurt or sad or alone, i think of you.  i write to you and tell you i miss you, and you always right me back and tell me you miss me too, that you don't remember why we stopped talking.  and right now, i'm happy.  i'm happier than i've been in so long.  but i still think of you.  i have someone amazing in my life right now; he talks like you. 

fuck.  i'm just so scared that this isn't real.  that nothing is real, that no one will ever love me the way it's supposed to be.  when we talked, i felt safe, like i wasn't alone in my lonliness.  there was never any worry, never any anxiety or fear or insecurity.  we had nothing to hide from each other.  i've never had that with anyone else.  michael didn't love me at all; he replaced me before i was out of his life.  josh didn't even know i was alive.  chandler only notices me when i don't notice him.  and the one i'm with now; i think i could fall in love with him.   but i don't think he wants to fall in love.  i think he's just trying to ward off the lonliness for a while.  it scares the hell out of me how easily i could give my heart to him, how i could give him all of me.  it scares me even more that, if it ever got that far, he may not want any of it.  he is so closed up, the walls around him are so fucking high.  all i want, ever since i met him, is to be his safe person, his safe place, someone he can tell anything to and cry in front of and laugh in front of and not worry about it.  i know that kind of trust takes time.  i just hope he lets me be with him long enough to become that person, long enough for him to grow to trust me. 

i don't know.  why can't things ever be simple?  when we were talking, everything around us was so fucked up, so complicated, so fucking dark.  but what existed between us was bright and simple and peaceful and lovely.  we talked about things that were only real in dreams, only real when we were talking to each other and thinking about each other, writing each other letters.  you told me that you slept with my perfumed letters under your pillow and i slept with my cell phone next to my bed, turned up loud in case you called or texted me.  i was in the computer lab late into the night and early into the morning because i needed you more than i needed sleep, more than i needed anything in the world.  you told me that when you talked to me, your heart grew three sizes bigger.  you called me a beautiful piece of art and said you wished i could see myself the way you did.  i would give anything to really see you look at me like that.  i'd give anything to see anyone really look at me like that, like i'm beautiful in an unspeakable, indescribable way. 

all through the times we've talked and not talked, when i've been in a relationship or when i've been alone, i never stopped thinking about you.  i know it's stupid and crazy, but i have always been able to take comfort in the fact that you are somewhere out there, living your life, and that for a few minutes, you were a beautiful shadow that fell across my own life.  i don't think there are words that can describe what i feel for you, it's so far beyond love, and it makes no sense because we've always lived in parallel universes.  maybe one day we'll find a worm hole and finally be traveling at the same speed, in the same dimension.  i certainly hope so. 

i want to talk to you.  you told me to call you.  i think i'll text you tomorrow.  i don't know what we will talk about, or if you really want to talk to me.  but i know i miss you always.  i know you're the only person i want to talk to when my heart is aching, good or bad.  all i want for you is happiness.  i hope your heart is whole and warm and full of love.  i hope your life is as beautiful as the most beautiful thing anyone can imagine.  i hope you found love.  and if you haven't, i hope you find it, and that it lasts forever. 

i miss you.

love,
jasmine

i found out a few days ago that i am going to be a teaching assistant next year.  i'm seriously happy about this.  i've been so worried about finding a job that will fit into my schedule, and it just fell into my lap.  maybe the thing to do now is to really focus on myself.  maybe i need to just suck it up and do what mike was too weak to do --- i need to go it alone for a while and deal with it. 

i've been thinking that i really deserve better than i think i do.  i'm smart and funny and pretty and really caring once i get to know you...  i deserve someone who will be the same for me.  lancelot has been playing the upper hand game with my a lot lately, acting like he's mad at me and then just letting me sit for days thinking he's pissed, even after i've talked to him and apologized.  i like him so much, and the more i get to know him, the more i want to be with him.  the trouble is, we don't see each other that much, and he doesn't seem to care.  and because of this, because what we are is undefined, he doesn't feel like he has to tell me anything --- and so he doesn't tell me anything.  i don't want to lose him.  he's tremendously sweet when he wants to be, and is a lot of fun to be around when we manage to spend time together.  i would love if lancelot stayed around though, even if it was only as a friend.  but i know i deserve better.  i deserve someone who respects me in a real way, someone who actually wants to get to know me, someone who would love to spend time with me and actually makes it happen.  maybe i don't really need a lancelot at all.  maybe what i really need is an arthur.

you know, i know i fucked up.  i know i fucked up the whole thing with juilliard and new york and all that shit.  i know that had i had a better attitude, and been willing to compromise a little, i wouldn't have gotten asked to leave.  i wouldn't have gotten kicked out, i wouldn't have had to leave and move to san francisco, i wouldn't have met michael and wasted so many years with him.  i wouldn't have added two years to my undergrad. program and probably wouldn't even be here in reno right now.  but i did have something right when i was there.  i had a great sense of who i was and that i didn't need anyone to be the person i want to be.  i did want.  i wanted to be loved and be in love and all that shit, but i didn't need it.  i was okay for the most part, and when i wasn't, it was enough to put on some loud music, clean my dorm room and do laundry, or throw on some sweats and workout for a few hours.  when i got asked to leave school, i lost that sense of self, that amazing feeling of not needing someone to feel complete and comforted.  and it certainly didn't help that instead of going into my new school with a better attitude and a stronger need to kick ass, i went in heavily involved with someone who didn't have any of that.  and i fell into it with him, i let him drag me down; and i let him because the feeling of really believing i was a second rate person with nothing special to offer was oddly comforting.  giving myself the excuse not to work hard, not to feel bad that i wasn't spending every second of every day trying to be the best singer and musician i could be.  and i'm over it.  i want that edge back.  i want to be the best.  i want to be complete on my own without needing anyone.  and i think i'm getting on the road towards that. 

yes, at the moment, lancelot is still around.  but he's nothing like michael.  he's motivated and strong and smart and doesn't cling to me the way michael did.  he's very clear about his feelings for me, very clear about the fact that he's not seeing anyone else and that he's very interested in me and that he loves talking to me and spending time with me, that he's very attracted to me.  and although this thing isn't all roses right now because of the fact that i don't drive and can't make the short trip to see him more than once a week at school, i think that's a good thing.  he doesn't want to jump into a serious relationship, and although i do, i know i'm not ready for that yet.  i hope eventually he and i will get there, will get to a place where both of us want a serious relationship and that we get there together.  because i love being with him and the simple fact the he inspires me. 

so i'm going to be proactive about all of this shit --- about my life.  i'm going to try to change my attitude, and have actually been trying to.  it's hard, i'm not going to lie.  but i want to be happy, so i think the work is worth it.  i'm going to practice more, going to focus more on my future as a fantastic opera singer and i'm going to stop being so fucking afraid of everything.  as far as my relationship with lancelot is concerned, i'm going to learn how to drive, and not for him, but for me because i want to.  i want to be able to get the fuck out if i feel like it, i want to be able to drive out to see him if i happen to miss him, i want to be able to go to shows without having to get dropped off and picked up like i'm in junior high.  and i don't want this relationship to fail before it's even started because of something i didn't do.  i know all of this between us is still new, but i like him more every time i talk to him and every time i see him and i want to do more of all of that because i know that if we ever can get to a place where we want to be completely together, that we could have a lot of fun together, that this could really be something. 
okay.  i'm going to go wash this mask of my face and then workout. 

it's go time bitches.

i want someone to love. 
i want someone who loves me back. 
i want someone to wake up next to.
i really don't think that's too much to ask for. 

i want to get married and have a life with someone and never have to worry if he's going to disappear.  i want to know that i'll have someone standing by me through it all, not just standing by me, but holding my hand, loving me through it all. 

sometimes i feel so lonely. 

i just want to fall in love.

i'm sick of feeling like the world is going to end over every little thing.  and i've come to realize that my anxiety over stupid things regarding lancelot have nothing to do with him --- and everything to do with the fact that i still haven't completely gotten over my breakup with michael.  so as of today, i'm done.  i'm going to try like hell to let it go and to remember that lancelot is NOT mike.  he's nothing like him at all.  and what's more is that, i like being around him, i love talking to him and i adore the things he makes me think about.  and i don't want to push him away with my constant worrying and paranoia.  he's told me that i have nothing to worry about.  and that should be more than good enough for now. 

i'm supposed to get my period soon, and i feel absolutely disgusting.  i'm bloated and grumpy, all the usual suspects...  but i'm trying not to let it get the best of me.  i want to change, i want to be better.  i want to be happy.  so today, i'm going to take steps towards making that happen.  i'm going to eat healthy, exercise, meditate and try to work the the potential that i have. because i am fucking fed up with this ridiculous cycle i've stuck myself in.  i'm sick of feeling great one day, fucking up the next and for a week after, feeling like a loser who's given up.  i'm not a loser.  i'm not giving up.  and i'm going to be happy. 

breakfast:
1 banana, 5 strawberries, 1 glass green tea.

lunch:
6oz grilled chicken breast, 1 cup lettuce, 5 fat free croutons, 1 tbs organic low fat caesar dressing, 1 tbs shaved parmesan cheese. 

in about ten minutes i'm going to go work out. 

this week i'm on spring break.  i figure it will give me time to work out a schedule and to get things on track.  monday, i'm going to the gym.  and on the weekends i'm going to start walking again. 

man i'm grumpy.  argh. 

i've been thinking how mix tapes can be like diaries.  there are songs that remind me of people and moments and words and times and places.  so i started making mixes for people that i knew, people that i loved.   they're short, but that's because the songs are only songs that remind of me of those people very vividly.  okay.  here's what i've got so far.

josh
1) the scientist - coldplay
2) honey and the moon - joseph arthur
3) kissing you - des'ree
4) angel - sara mclachlan
5) only one - yellowcard
6) all you wanted - michelle branch
7) untitled - vienna teng
8) the scientist - johnette napolitano

james
1) such great heights - postal service
2) nightingale - saves the day
3) miss misery - elliott smith
4) such great heights - section string quartet
5) butterfly - weezer
6) such great heights - iron and wine
7) climbing to the moon - eels

mike
1) wonderwall - oasis
2) save me - unwritten law
3) champagne supernova - oasis
4) don't look back in anger - oasis
5) hemorrhage - fuel
6) wonderwall - paul anka

i know it's a little early on... but i also made a mix for lancelot. 

lancelot
1) the harrowing adventures of... - tokyo police club
2) romeo and juliet - the killers
3) knife - grizzly bear
4) comfortably numb - pink floyd
5) the green fields of france - dropkick murphys
6) badges and badges - manchester orchestra

well...  i like him.  i really like him.  he sang to me on the phone last night.  his voice has a really sweet timbre, makes me want to just sit somewhere and listen to him sing to me all day.  i hope something grows between us.  i hope he likes me as much as i like him. 

it's weird when your mind creates a vivid visual of something you really want --- something that's maybe not so far away. 
i'm singing on stage, making my debut with the nevada opera in puccini's madame butterfly...  i'm beautiful in my kimono and geisha style make-up, i sound amazing... i'm singing the last bit before i kill myself.  i walk behind the screen and you can see my form silhouetted against the light, knealing, raising my arms, my hands holding a sword...  and then my arm falls lifeless from behind the screen.  the last scene ends, there's wild applause as the curtain comes down...  and i rush to get in position for the bows.  as the curtain goes up and my eyes adjust to the lights, i see him in the audience.  i'm overwhelmed and so so happy.  the next moment, i'm backstage wearing a beautiful printed robe, sitting in front of a mirror, tired and coming down from my performance high.  there's a knock on my dressing room door.  a moment later, he comes in with star gazer lillies in his hands.  he tosses the flowers aside and rushes at me, kissing me passionately, almost violently and lifts me onto the counter.  we make love in the dressing room, wild, crazy, can't-keep-our-hands-off-each-other sex.  he sits back, watching me as i change into street clothes, fix my hair and remove the rest of my stage make-up; and then we walk out together.  i'm greeted by a big crowd, friends, family, people i've never met wanting to tell me how amazing i was.  and as i thank everyone, wade through the crowd, he has his hand lightly on the small of my back, letting me know that he's there with me.  and i feel so safe...  so happy and so very safe. 

i am trying so hard not to want this too badly.  and i'm scared.  i'm afraid the he's going to turn out just like mike, just like rocketman, that he's going to hurt me and break me and fuck me up. 

i read this hafiz poem last night:
so i'm not going to push him.  i'm going to try to talk to him when i want to without worrying too much about it.  but i'm not going to push the relationship thing on him anymore.  and i'm going to try my damndest to trust him.  i've had some bad experiences lately.  after the huge fiasco with mike, the annoying situation with jason and the huge disappointment with rocketman, i have plenty of reason to be guarded right now.  but i want to trust him.  i want to feel okay about this.  and the truth is, the only thing really freaking me out about this, is that i'm not freaking out.  i didn't expect to like him like this.  and after everything that happened before, i didn't really want to like him like this.  but i'm happy i do. 

he's been there for me for longer than me and mike were together.  every time me and mike broke up, every time things got hard, every time i hurt, he was there.  he even talked me through the bullshit with rocketman.  i guess that's the only thing i worry about.  i worry about losing that.  ...even so, something tells me i shouldn't worry.  that maybe, just maybe, it's time to stop believing that all guys are assholes, because maybe i got lucky, really lucky, and found someone good. 

i don't know if we'll ever find ourselves in a serious relationship.  i don't know if we'll ever fall in love or be together for years.  i just know that, as much as i'd love to really be with him all the way right now, i want even more to take this slow.  i want to at least attempt to build a really solid foundation, to be friends, to be close in a real way before we make any big decisions about what we are to each other.  and i know that, whatever we are to each other right now doesn't matter; because he really does make me happy.

my second year at juilliard, i'd become more cynical.  i entered into it thinking i'd be proactive about making things better.  i started seeing a counselor, tried to date a little, attempted to be more social --- but still, nothing changed.  things got progressively worse.  josh emailed me less frequently, and i began to realize he was just fucking with me.  not to mention i didn't have a voice lesson the first three weeks i was at school, because my teacher flat out refused to put me in the schedule.  so i had to go about finding a new teacher, and during that process, i made another enemy or two.  i ended up with a teacher i genuinely liked, but who had no idea how to deal with a voice like mine.  it made things a little strained.  but i tried, put my best foot forward, attempted to win him over, practically beat myself up trying to fit in with all the assholes who went to that school.  i wanted more than anything to be one of them, to fit in with them.  but the harder i tried, the more unhappy i became.  and at the end of that year, i realized i couldn't do it anymore.  i started to fantasize about changing schools, or just quitting and moving away.  and when i found out the sufi centers in new york and new jersey were closed due to the war in iraq...  something inside me broke.

first semester of my junior year, i decided to be myself, or the version of myself i'd recently discovered.  i showed up at school with a tattoo and a nose piercing.  i stopped wearing black slacks and high heeled shoes and started wearing jeans, band t-shirts and chuck taylors.  i listened to punk rock and stayed up late talking to james in whatever way i could.  i worried about him, thought about him constantly, wondered what it would be like when we finally met, when we finally touched, when we finally kissed.  i hung out with khalid and steve, spewing bullshit about how beethoven was the first rock star, drinking coronas in the village, spending money i didn't have on cds of bands i'd never even heard of.  i couldn't concentrate, my grades started falling.  teachers who once seemed intimidating now seemed ridiculous and comical.  but i still tried, i tried to hold it together.  i suffered through a zillion mind numbing rehearsals of les enfants de sortileges, ached through numerous performances, each time putting on my tuxedo and androgenous make-up, trying to suck it up even though my heart felt like it was breaking into a million pieces.  i hurt so badly and i had no idea why.  and at the end of that semester, when i did my jury and thought everything was going to be okay --- that's when they told me i wasn't good enough.  they told me they didn't want me anymore, that they didn't want me to come back.  

...every counselor i've ever seen has tried to tell me that the hurt and the disappointment, and all the bullshit baggage i carry around with me is because of losing my sister.  and i don't doubt that that has something to do with it.  but i know that the bulk of my recent pain, my recent lack of self confidence and difficulty motivating myself, is because of what happened to me in new york.  it was losing all that weight and still not feeling beautiful, feeling like josh didn't want me because i wasn't good enough, trying so hard to be good at everything and never feeling like i measured up.  and then, at the end of it all, three fucking semesters before graduating, being asked to leave, having to start all over again at a new school, with a new teacher, on a different coast.  i lost everything.  i lost juilliard, i lost new york, i lost the only chance i had at meeting james whom i sincerely loved.  i got a mediocre school, i got screwed over when it came to getting parts in the opear, i got a voice teacher who wasn't willing to push me, i got michael who lied to me for five fucking years.  

and now i don't even have that.  i have a room in my parents' house in reno fucking nevada, a place i swore i'd never come back to for any long period of time, i have no money, no job, no boyfriend.  i have a guy who likes to have sex with me, who doesn't want to be in a relationship with me despite the fact that i've started to like him a little.  i have a school with a voice program that's even shittier than the one in san francisco.  fuck.  what the fuck do i have now?  

i have an amazing voice teacher who believes i'm the next big thing.  i have a support network in my family.  and i have faith that things will be okay one day.  

i hope to god it's one day soon. 


   

things have been bad.  things have been complicated.  i've been feeling down, feeling like i've been bleeding from the inside out.  but i think it's going to be okay. 

i didn't eat anything all day today --- then i came home around 6pm, and totally pigged. 
5 sliced of cheese pizza
five pieces of belgian chocolate seashells
two cups of 2% milk

barf. 

i'm so done.

i'm never eating simple carbs again.  i'm going to go mediteranean.  i'm eating grains, omega 3s, fish, lean chicken, brown rice, fruits, veggies, olive oil, goat cheese, etc.  i'm going back to the gym.  i'm going to drink a shit load of water and green tea. 

i'm SO FUCKING DONE feeling sorry for myself.  so life sucks right now?  fuck it.  big fucking deal.  i'll get over it.  how?  by taking care of myself.  FUCK THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS.  i don't need anyone.

i cleaned my room, did my laundry, took a shower, drank a ton of water and am going to try to get to bed at a descent hour tonight.  my schedule has been so fucked up.  i've been awake until 3am, sleeping until noon, getting up, going to class on an empty stomach, grabbing a coffee and a donut at starbucks and then pigging out at home.  that's definitely over. 

i remember back when i was in new york, when i was upset or pissed or disappointed, i wouldn't eat junk food or cry in the dark, i'd grab my cd player and go work out, HARD.  that's what i'm going to start doing again.  fuck yeah.  fuck.  yeah. 

this year may not have started off too well, and maybe it won't be the great and amazing year i was anticipating, but it IS going to be a year of change.  i'm going to get rid of all the bloody baggage i've been carrying around for the last thirteen years and be free.  i'm ready. 

so fuck everyone who's fucked me over and been horrible to me and treated me badly.  fuck all of you MOTHERFUCKERS.  i'm over it.  you'll always be losers, always be idiots, always be low and pathetic.  and you'll be crying one day when you see my picture on a billboard, see my face on tv, see my cd's in stores and my name everywhere.  you'll be sorry you ever fucked with me then.  FUCK YOU.  all of you.

from now on, things may not be good, they may not be perfect --- but they will be better. 

well...  rocketman deleted me from his myspace for no reason...  and i found out mike's getting married. 

i want to die.

i'm not sure why i'm in a funk right now.  it seems like i've been so up and down lately.  and i really don't like it at all.  i think maybe i need to work my ass off and get the fuck out of here.  i miss feeling like anything is possible, i miss feeling like my heart is free and light.  i miss being happy.  sometimes i don't know why say what i say or feel the way i feel.  i have no fucking idea.  i wish i could just run away, somewhere far from all of this bullshit.  you know that whole thing about not being able to go home again?  it's probably true.  i know it's becoming true for me.  it's not so bad here.  but it feels like i'm stuck, trapped, unable to fly or do what i need to do.  i'm trying so hard to fight that feeling of wanting to run away, but sometimes it's damn near impossible. 

i don't know what to do about rocketman.  i so wanted something to happen there.  but i guess there's no point in pushing it.  he didn't talk to me for days...  maybe this is just something he needs to do, i don't know.  i guess i'll never really know.  i felt something for him, something real and beautiful.  maybe that's all he came into my life to do.  i'd hoped for something more than that, but maybe that's it.  maybe he just showed up to show me that i can be happy again.  i guess there's no point in hoping anymore really either.  if he misses me as much as he says he does, he'll find me.  he'll find me.

i don't even want a relationship right now.  i just want someone who wants to be with me.  i want someone who will hold me when i'm sad, laugh with me when things are good, walk with me and look at the moon and stars with me, someone who just wants to be with me. 

i was talking to lancelot last night, and i asked him what in god's name we'd talked about for all those years.  he said, 'sex, how you hated the idea of coming back here, you ranted about the guys in your life...' and i asked him how the hell that was appealing to him.  he simply replied that he likes me and thinks i'm hot.  i asked him if he still likes me.  he said yes, after everything, he still likes me.  i realize that this is shallow, but fuck, it feels good knowing that someone likes me, even if it's on some really basic level.  rocketman was always telling me how he wanted to be there for me, wanted to be 'my man', my everything.  then things get complicated for him and he all but disappears.  i'd hoped he was telling me the truth, that he really wanted to be with me...  but i guess that was stupid. 

you know, when i was talking with james, all those years ago, we never said we'd get married or be together in a 'forever' kind of way.  we were so in the moment, feeling what one another was feeling, laughing together, crying together, listening to music and exchanging ideas and song lyrics...  we were as together as we could be without actually knowing each other face to face.  and when he told me he loved me, i wasn't surprised, because i loved him too.  he needed to love me, and i needed to love him.  i know we'll never be able to recapture what we had, whatever it was...  we were young and emotional and romantic and in such bad places in our lives.  we needed each other then.  sometimes i feel like i still need him.  but i know he'll always be around.  we'll always be friends in some weird, parallel universe sort of way.  some days though, i miss him so bad, miss talking to him so much it makes me want to cry.  i wonder if i'll ever have anything like that with anyone again...  i hope he does.  i hope he's so happy, so blessed, so beautiful in his life.  he deserves it so much.

i'm not sure where i'm going with any of this.  i'd hoped that rocketman would be that for me i guess.  but i know that'll never happen. 

maybe i should just stop looking.  maybe i should just take a deep breath, concentrate on myself, work on my goals and my life and then, and then, and then ---  someone amazing will find me.  i certainly hope so...

i don't really know how to get myself out of this weird cloudy, hazy feeling i have right now.  i seriously lack any kind of clarity these days.  i'm not sure what to do anymore.  it's hard to enjoy being young when there's so much wrong.  everything seemed so much simpler when i was 18.  i miss the clarity, the crispness of the emotions i felt, the clear lines of everything that existed.  now everything's blurry, everything i know is questionable, nothing feels right anymore. 

i'm not depressed.  i'm not suicidal or crazy or anything like that.  i'm just a little lost right now.  i know things won't always feel so gray.  i'm just getting so tired of this. 

rocketman wrote to me today.  he said, 

i miss you more than you'll ever know.

damn. 

maybe this whole thing is an exercise in trust. 
maybe he is the man he says he is. 
maybe all of this is simply bad timing. 
maybe all i have to do is trust him. 

i met with lancelot yeseterday.  we weren't originally going to.  but i ended up being on campus for a few hours more than usual, studying in the library, and i met him when he was done with class.  we didn't talk really, exchanged polite hellos and then --- and then --- and then...  ended up having sex against a wall in a private bathroom on campus.  he walked me back to the music building, sat and talked with me while i waited for my ride home...  and we hugged goodbye.  this time, i can say for sure that, other than the sexual attraction, there is absoultely nothing there.  i guess the shitty reality of the situation is that i've been feeling so fucking empty lately...  and for some reason, the hot, dirty and totally meaningless sex with lancelot is becoming a really fucked up way to ease the pain that fills me to the brim most of the time. 

i honestly am starting to hate the person i'm watching myself become.  i'm disappearing more and more, becoming this girl who does shit like have sex in bathrooms and doesn't give a fuck about anything.  it's worse than apathy.  i don't even know what to call it.  it's this pain that starts in the pit of my stomach and fills me up to my throat and doesn't even come out in the form of tears anymore.  i don't know what the fuck is going on with me anymore. 

i haven't heard from rocketman in day or so.  last i heard, he emailed me, said he missed me, was having a rough day, and wanted to try to see me soon, 'like maybe this weekend'.  i know i shouldn't get attached to him.  but i want to see him so badly it makes me want to cry.  those hours i spent with him exist in a parallel universe, a reality so far removed from the everyday that sometimes, i'm not even sure it actually happened.  i know he's got a lot going on.  i understand he's having a hard time, that he's tired and stressed and rundown.  and i --- i've got such a huge emptiness sitting inside me right now, 'a hole where my heart should be'...  and the only time between now and the time my relationship with michael imploded, that i've felt whole was the time i spent with him. 

i seriously wish i could find something with someone just like what i had with rocketman for those few hours... but with someone who is more available to me, with someone who cares about me enough to keep me in the loop.  maybe rocketman can become that person...  maybe all of this can just be chalked up to shitty timing.  as my friends keep telling me, sure he didn't talk to me for five days, but he is a guy, he is only 22, he is dealing with a whole helluva lot of shit right now...  and if he did want to blow me off, that's exactly what he would have done.  he wouldn't have tried to email me again, he wouldn't have tried to get in touch with me again.  if he'd lost interest in me, he wouldn't keep telling me how much he misses me and how much he wants to see me again.

i guess the thing i'm having trouble with now is the waiting part.  i know rocketman needs time.  i also know that because of the way i've been feeling about everything, waiting is that much harder for me.  is it worth it?  if the next time i see him is anything like the first time, then yes.  it will have been worth the wait. 

so what to do about lancelot?  i don't really know.  i do know that when i'm with him sexually, it's fun.  it's spontaneous and crazy and really sexy.  and there are really no weird feelings that come from the actual sex, or from what we are to each other or anything like that.  but i do know that i'd rather be in a committed relationship with someone i feel connected with than have meaningless sex with someone who will never be anything more to me than a friend, if even that.  at this point, having sex with lancelot is not wrong.  rocketman has kept me waiting in the sidelines, and most of the time, hasn't kept me informed about what's going on with him or what is in his head.  but as soon as he does, if he ever does, i'll be with him completely, no questions asked. 

i miss him so much.  and i'm trying not to get my hopes up too high... but i want to see him so badly. 

i guess all i can do at this point is breathe... and keep hoping.